Deserving

The close of January marks the end of the first two weeks of an eight week fitness and weight loss challenge I am participating in. I have been making healthy food choices, exercising every day and have even lost a few pounds. I was feeling pretty proud of myself, thinking I had this whole challenge thing under control, when I heard a little voice. It caught me off guard. "Why don't you have some cheese and crackers" it said..."maybe even a Cosmo"..."you deserve it".

My first thought was yes, I do deserve it. I have been good. I have been working hard. A little reward for my hard work seemed appropriate. Necessary even. I was deserving. But before I filled the cocktail shaker with ice I paused to think a moment about what I truly deserve.

Was it really a Cosmo, or do I deserve to feel strong and healthy? Was it really cheese and crackers, or do I deserve to fit comfortably into my clothes? I have always associated food with reward. As a child dessert was the reward for finishing all the overcooked vegetables on my plate. As an adult an evening drink was the reward for a long day at work, fighting traffic or dealing with cranky kids. I needed a new reward and a healthier relationship with food.

I decided that food would continue to serve several important roles in my life but reward would not be one of them. Of course food would continue in its obvious role of nutritional sustenance. The fuel to keep me going. Food would also continue as the centerpiece of family rituals and celebrations. I love to cook, and shared meals with family and friends bring back many happy memories. I look forward to creating many more. But I do not want to ever think about "deserving" food. Food is not something to deserve. Food is something for sharing and savoring.

So what then of my reward? I realized there were many ways to honor my hard work without undermining it at the same time. I haven't decided yet but a massage of those stronger but sore muscles may be in my future.