Yesterday I posted about the tension that can arise between friends when one changes their lifestyle. I am sure that some friendships have fallen by the wayside after someone decides that they cannot continue to eat, drink or live in a way that is basically unhealthy. While no one wants to sacrifice a friendship, sometimes the price is too high to continue with such a relationship. Within a family however, the problem can be even more difficult. What are the costs to our relationships and to yourselves of not living in a manner that promotes our own health and wellbeing?
Last week on the Biggest Loser, Michael spoke to his father (Ron) about how he could have let his children become so obese. Michael spoke of his frustration and anger about the situation. Unfortunately, Ron really didn't have much to say besides "you have every right to be upset". This really doesn't answer the question of how could he have let this happen? I have heard similar stories from others about their tendency not to criticize their family members about their unhealthy lifestyles. Keeping the peace seems to take precedence over pushing issues related to unhealthy behaviors.
This seems especially true when it comes to our children. As parents we are often counseled to avoid criticism or anything that will undermine a child's self esteem. The critical parent is often portrayed as overly controlling and overly concerned with the image of their children as an extension of themselves. While this characterization might have merit in some circumstances, when it come to weight and lifestyle issues, ignoring a child's burgeoning weight problem and lack of exercise is only setting them off on the path to ill health and disease.
When the child involved is still young there is always the expectation that they will "grow into their weight" or they are just "big boned". While I believe that dieting is a concept which should remain foreign to a child, parents are still the final arbitrators of the food that enters the home. Parents should strive to provide healthy foods for their children and not succumb to the pressure to provide high fat, high sugar treats because the children want them or "deserve" them. I am not aware of any child who was harmed by a lack of Little Debbies. Moderation and responsibility are the keys in this younger age group.
Teenagers and young adults however, present a further level of complication. Again as parents we have been counseled and quite literally preached at, regarding the unrealistic body images promulgated by today's media. We are constantly warned about the dangers of eating disorders and societal pressures to be thin. Yet the most recent health data show obesity levels on average at 16% for American youth, with some populations running even higher. Ignoring this elephant in the room is a disservice to our children. So what is a parent to do?
While being a good role model is a great place to start, it is going to take more than that to see behavior change in teenagers. Banning of junk food and becoming the first lieutenant of the food police will only lead to resentment and the potential for excess consumption when out of the house. By broaching the subject of overweight or unhealthy eating in a nonjudgmental but never the less honest fashion, a parent may gain some insight into what the teen is thinking, what they understand to be true and they may also learn what the teen has already tried in an attempt to lose weight. Asking a young adult if they would like to change and where they would like to start, allows them to remain in control but also opens an opportunity to provide assistance and guidance.
If the teen has no interest in making changes to their lifestyle, a discussion of the family's known health history and an offer of support in the future along with keeping healthy foods available may be all a parent can do. For those requesting assistance allowing this to be the child's journey, and supporting them while they find what works for them is key. Reversing a lifestyle of poor eating and inactivity will take many starts and stops and the path chosen may not always be the one a parent might choose for themselves. While there is a responsibility to avoid harm, a parent must otherwise sit back a bit and let the teen figure out what is meaningful and doable for them. By being open to looking at a problem in a new way we as parents might also learn a thing or two from our children.
The first step however starts with having the courage to talk. Let your teen or young adult know that you love them and worry that the path they have chosen will lead them into an unhealthy future. Offer your assistance and support in a way that does not blame or shame and let them decide what to do next. Just don't ignore this elephant - in the end it makes a very big mess.
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